Not drunk, just falling down

We've had visitors and they've gone and we're just having a breather till the next lot arrive for the New Year. The Man with the Cat arrived for breakfast on Christmas morning. The Litter were here. The Lady from Next Door came to see us. A proper Woo Hoo.

I know all about Woo Hoo Christmas and New Year and the in-between time. I got parcels to open and so did Humbug. I got 2 new dinner plates and we went out throwing them on Christmas afternoon.

My MBNAD woman was really busy in the kitchen. She made lots of nice food and that included cooking the big dead bird that was in the wall-string-cold-cupboard. Giblets. That's what the really tasty bits are called. Giblets.

So now it's just me and and the Cat and my MBNAD woman. Lovely. We can all enjoy sitting in the warm.



All going too well, eh? All the Woo Hoo just like she'd planned and none of it bothered me this time. Didn't even mind when she went off to the the place with dead people in the garden. Well, not too much. Only shouted a bit.

So when we were out walking in the morning I had a little mishap. Cold and crisp just right for a morning walk. I admit that my nose and paws were not pointing in the same direction and I didn't expect the gravestone to be there under me. So I fell over and when I got up, one of my front paws really hurt and there was red stuff dripping all over the place. She carried me for a bit but I'm a bit big for her and it's not just the heavyweight winter coat. When we got home she bathed my paw but it still hurt. So we went to see the Vet. Apparently, they have them Here too. I gave him a hard stare hoping to discourage any unwanted gonad related activity. Turns out he only wanted to look at at my poorly paw. Looking was alright, but touching was not. So I gave him a little warning growl. He still didn't get the message. It hurts so just leave it alone. "Now come on boy, don't do that." So he carried on and that led me to one conclusion. I just had to bite him. Well, not really bite but just to get the message across that I would bite if he didn't desist. He didn't desist but I didn't expect what happened next. Before I could take affirmative action, a strap was put over my jaws so I could only make grumbly noises and not show them my teeth. Then he stuck a needle in my paw and the pain went away. If he'd just done that to start, I wouldn't have tried to exercise the teeth. Then he took away the broken claw and bandaged me up. Walking is a bit difficult and I have to be careful standing on three legs for a pee. It's a bit embarrassing when you fall over in mid flow.



But I am getting a lot of hugs. And we went visiting and I was called a "poor little dog". Evidently, poor little dogs get sausages. Hugs and sausages are making it all bearable.

In the bleak midwinter

First of all we loaded the car up with lots of stuff, then me, then the Cat. In her suitcase and with her Opinions. I had Opinions in my earhole from halfway across England and all over the Throw-Money-at-it-Bridge.

"Wales, Mossie, Humbug. Powys. We're Home".

For seventeen days worth of Home. We've turned There to Here for a whole seventeen days.

She's been busy adding more Woo-Hooery to the house. It's beginning to look like the control room of the Large Hadron Collider. We've even got some trees outside the front door with attached Woo Hoo. A ring of kindling stuck on the front door. Lights all over the place. And some sparkly attached to me. I feel a right Woo Hoo.

We went over the border to England to see Brucie's family. They're only just over the border so we can sneak through. Also when we go to that bit of England, we don't have to pay to get back. They've got lots of Woo Hoo too, including a big falling-over-so-don't-sit-too-close-to-it-tree. There were lots of people and dogs visiting them. Pretty golden bitch called Abby with a military background. Bit shy and didn't like her toes making click clack noises on hard floors. I gave her an encouraging nose to nose sniff to show her it was alright. And an old boy called Freddie. An Attack Spaniel. Turns out not to be so old and not much of an attack either. I gave him a serious, Don't-Forget-I'm-Top-Dog-Sonny sniff and stare. You know, shoulders back, slightly stiffened hackles, superior kind of look. Well, we ain't none of us got any bollocks so Top-Dog is an open question and it might as well be me. Then I sat down next to my MBNAD woman and let him sit the other side of her. Then there was Brucie. Being, you know, Brucie. Bouncing off the walls Brucie. If you remember last year, I had an ignominious moment when I got so scared of him that I had to hide behind his Man.

Brucie's Woman was specially nice. Was wearing a bright red dress and legs. The kind of legs that I just had to lean my head against for a hug. Cor-Lummee legs, in fact.

Off to the car-on-rails place to collect the Little Dark One. Grand.

Yet but three? Come one more;
Two of both kinds make up four.


Another trip to the car-on-rails place to collect the Tall One. She's really happy now. We're all here.

And there's a large dead bird in the wall-string-cold-cupboard.

The Collie in Winter

It's been a bit cold and sometimes I need a bit more warmth, especially when I've had a bad day. Had an embarrassing moment when I was out walking with my DB. Cool, sauntering along. Fell off the bridge into the stream. Except the stream was more like cold mud. Had to stand there till my DB came and hauled me out. Then I was a bit cold all day, even after being towelled dry.

When we sit down in the evening, I have a special blanket to sit by my MBNAD woman and I make sure that she notices that I like the fire by pointing at it with my nose. Still don't know how she makes it work since she never brings in coal or logs. It's not even a wall-string thing. Probably a bit of magic again since she kneels in front of it and says some incantations before the flames start. Anyway, once it's away, we can sit in front of it all evening without worrying about coal buckets. Grand.

But on the really cold evenings, I need a bit more warming up again with another blanket.



Of course, if the Little Dark One is here, then she sits on the floor and hugs me and I don't need no blankets then. The MBNAD woman brought a spare Little Dark One home last weekend. We were having a Here weekend and she was tidying and stuff like she usually does and the Little Dark One was out. But when she came back, there was another Girlie with her. They said that this Girlie came from the other side of the world where everyone is Upside Down. She looked the normal way up to me. They don't half talk some rubbish. Chatted the Upside Down Girlie up a bit. Tried the blarney. Said I had sad eyes. Heh heh

She's done some stuff for the Woo Hoo Christmas which includes a wall-string-tree and a ring of twigs stuck to the front door. Have no idea why she's stuck kindling on the front door. The wall-string-tree ain't like the one There which has just got little lights all over it. When she ties the wall-string-tree to the wall, it all lights up and changes colour. Very dubious taste.

I had a strange indoor dog moment the other morning. For sleeping arrangements, I have a rug on her floor by the bed. It's convenient for her to hang over the side of the bed and stroke my ears first thing in the morning. Well, ear stroking was so nice and then she stroked under my chin and the next thing I knew, I had stretched out on my back for a belly stroke. That's right, I let her put her paw on my chest. It's not as if I haven't known that she's the Boss in this house all along but I'm just not used to submitting to anyone. In later days on the farm, I was forced to submit when the young dogs bullied me. And I didn't like it one little bit. But you know, this was really rather nice. She just laid her hand very gently on my chest and stroked. And I lay there, feeling really loved and very safe.

Oliver Postgate 1925-2008

The man who, with Peter Firmin, created Bagpuss, Noggin the Nog, Pogles Wood, Pingwings and the Clangers



and made so many children happy, especially one little girl with chicken pox in 1959.

Hiraeth - a problem of Here and There

So we've been There two weekends in a row mainly sorting out the Peeing and Washing [with Peeing] Rooms. Cold, bright, crisp weather and when we haven't been decorating, we've been out walking looking at Views. It's the Views that make her sad when we have leave There.



I don't mind going back from There to Here but I know she really wants to be There all the time, especially now we're getting ready for a Woo Hoo Christmas.

Craft Market on Saturday. She can't resist it - comes back with bits of recycled glass and all sorts. Eddie Stickmaker was there with his Litter and his Woman. She stayed chatting for ages and I could see that she was tempted by the sticks.

Now we have a tree in the house covered in lights and baubles. Although it is clearly quite mad, I know what to expect now.



All ready to Woo Hoo.

But when we got back the Little One had come back from the Fens and we had cheese in the Jam Room and I did some hugging.

"Night night Mossie, night night Humbug, night night, Little One."

Don't apologise. Don't explain

So once she stopped wearing those nasty leg-wrappers, she started painting. The Jam Room (even though it's mainly glass), The Peeing Room and the Washing [with Peeing] Room.

Every weekend, even when we're Here or There. Painting. Our only respite has been for walks and one evening out. When she comes home from work, if she's going out she normally goes and has one of those all-over-like-it's-pissing-on-you washes and then gets into going-out clothes. Normally when that happens, I go to the kitchen and put on a grumpy look. So, this is what I expected. Down the stairs she comes all tarted up. Right. Humph. I'll go and humph in my bed. But none of that. Out we went to the house where one of the Men-of-Sweyn's-Eye lives with his Woman. And when we got there the other Man-of-Sweyn's-Eye and his Woman were there too. Then the bitches went out leaving us boys there for the evening.



When they came back we were all asleep, a few beers having been taken.

The bitches all sat around on the floor and made a fuss of me. Grand. And then I realised that they had been drinking too. When I thought it was time to go home, we went upstairs and stayed the night in one of their Litter's rooms and didn't go home till breakfast time. Shocking.

Since it's been just about a year since I came to live with my MBNAD woman, we had to go back to the Vet place for my annual check. Got on the scales and found that my winter coat is keeping me warm but not too heavy. Then a Sharp Prick. Yes, I thought that the Vet was one. Then my teeth, ears, heart and gonads. Do they really have to do that? Sniffing my bum would be quite an acceptable way of being sociable but I draw the line at being groped.


The Vet also gazed deeply into my eyes. Didn't much fancy him, after what he just did at the other end. They have a little chat about my tendency to walk into things. Especially when the light isn't so good. Seems to me that posts just get in the way. My MBNAD woman don't see too good either. Sometimes she wears eye glasses but other times she don't seem to need them. She goes into one of the Washing Rooms and gets a little pot which she digs around in. Then she pokes at her eyes, blinks and then she don't need the eye glasses. Don't much fancy that, either.

They said I've got waterfalls in my eyes? That can't be right.

Gunpowder, treason and plot

So there was a great deal of fuss and bother and making of beds and cooking. I know the signs now. Visitors. But visitors don't usually stay Here. Unless it's the Litter. Yes, yes. It's the Tall One. Oh Glory.

It's so wonderful that he came to stay that the whole of the night sky was lit up. Grand.



"Night, night, Mossie"

Yes, well I should have known there was an agenda. The morning after the Tall One arrived, she didn't go off to work, which I thought was a bit suspicious. Daft tart. Legs. She went and did it again. All bandaged up. Both legs this time. Not together, you understand. Separately, so at least she can do that funny stumpy legged walk. But all she can do now is lie down and moan. Serves her right. She said she wouldn't do it again. But apparently the Venous Vet said it had to be done because it wasn't finished. Curse of the Mummy.

Mind, it's nice having the Tall One here. Walks and ball throwing. Grand. And we met my DB with lots of my mates from dog walking. Darcy, the blonde [Blonde]retriever, Whisper, the merle wobble, Jess, the loopy black girl and the Poodlies. The Tall One does lots of helping too.

And then we made cakes. The MBNAD woman likes cooking but she don't usually do it on an industrial scale. But all yesterday, she kept doing little things in the kitchen and then going back to lie down again. When we got back in from our last thing at night walk, the house smelt all warm and spicy. I remembered this from last year. I know what they were about.



They're Woo Hoo Christmas Cakes.

Metamorphosis

A Here weekend and we have to tidy up the garden. When the men came to build the Jam Room, they made a bit of a Mess in the garden as well as the house. Apparently, they were called the Taliban. So she worked really hard and I supervised.

When the rain started, I thought that we could sit by the fire and get comfortable. But, no. Can't resist it can she? More darned junk. She brings in this old table that looks like it would make good firewood and parks it in the Jam Room. Then she spent hours rubbing it to get rid of the top of the wood. That's right, she scraped the top of the wood off till there were no more marks and dents. When she did the legs, she found some little Princess teethmarks. She sat on the floor and had wet nose and eyes for a bit and I hugged her. Never thought that chewing furniture would have that effect but like I said from the outset: Mad

After she'd scraped it clean she got a pot of something strong smelling and rubbed it all over the junk table. Then she did it again and again. Wouldn't let me go in the Jam Room while she was doing it. As if.

Anyway by the time I was allowed in the Jam Room, the junk table had been magicked into a proper table. Supernatural, My Witch

Paper

A whole year. Me and her. My MBNAD woman has been mine for a whole year. I know she misses the Princess still and sometimes it makes her have the wet nose and eyes problem. She tells me that she wouldn't swap me for the world. I used to worry that she'd swap me for the Princess but I know now that she wouldn't; she'd love us both.

So for Our Anniversary, we're There for the weekend. Grand. A year back I didn't know anything about Here and There, or the Throw-Money-at-it-Bridge or Wales-Powys-Home. I used to be scared of the dogs in the farm up the hill and I didn't like to go through gates just in case I was going to be shut in. It's so nice being with her and nothing scares me if I'm with her.

So when she came back from whatever it is that she does that she calls work, I knew straight away that we were off There since the Red-Going-There bag came down stairs and we were off.

"Wales, Powys, Mossie. Home"

We arrived at bedtime but first we always go for a walk around the There Village. We stood on the hill and watched the stars for a bit. Then bed. I even have a bed all of my own Here and There. I never even had a bed anywhere before.



So waking up this morning was lovely. Next to the radiator and being smiled at by my MBNAD woman. An early morning walk and breakfast. What more could a Wobble want?

Well, for a start no more building work. What I hadn't realised last night was that there was building work There as well as Here. For Dog's sake, WHY? It's the Washing Room. Now it's been turned into a Washing Room (with Peeing) and a separate Peeing Room. Completely bonkers. Seems to me that she does far too much of that washing thing and as far peeing, what's wrong with a tree? Alright, so she's a Bitch ( my Bitch), so maybe trees aren't quite right but why not just a quick squat-and-puddle? Then we wouldn't have to have builders for Jam Rooms, Washing Rooms and Peeing Rooms. And no more Mess. But I spose that I forgive her.


Love, all alike, no season knows, nor clime,
Nor hours, days, months, which are the rags of time.

Infidelity

When things began to get really bad with the Jam Room, my DB took me out with her all day. That was really grand since I get to sit in her van which smells nice and dog. She thinks that I'm too old too get into the back of the van. Heh heh . But every afternoon, I went back so that I was home by the time that my MBNAD woman got back. So I guessed she didn't know that I was, ahem, enjoying someone else's company. Then one day I just didn't go back. Not quite sure how it happened but I just went home with my DB. Took my bed and everything. She's got a nice silver grey cat who speaks reasonably politely (for a cat). And chickens. And a horse. And piggy gins. And a Man. And a Litter. Well, I felt I could fit in just right. Found a nice cosy spot in the Eating Room. Grand.

Well, of course, I did think about my MBNAD woman quite a bit and, I confess I did miss her. I wondered if she might show up and take me back. Praps shout a bit at the DB for stealing me away. Praps shout at me for being stolen. But the days went by and she didn't show up at all. Then I began to wonder if she didn't know where I was or, even worse, wasn't missing me at all.




Then one evening, after I'd eaten my supper and settled down for a post-prandial snooze, she suddenly appeared. Oh, Dog. I thought we were in for trouble. I expected to get dragged out by my collar. I remember the Princess telling me that my MBNAD woman always said that even if she might be poor she wasn't common. But to be honest, I expected some common words at the very least.

Not a bit of it. There they were, chatting away happily. "Yes, of course, he's been a good boy. Did you have a nice time?". Big hugs from my MBNAD woman. She smelt funny too, warm and spice scented.

Then it dawned on me. I wasn't the one who'd been unfaithful it was HER! Bitch!



So we went home and she sat on the floor and hugged me for ages. Till I forgave her. Well, I'd forgiven her as soon as I realised she was back. But I let her hug me for a good long time.

And the men with the Mess have finished making the Jam Room.


All's well that ends well

The Year Turned

She came home early in a strange car. Big car with lots of stretching out space. Grand, thought. Well, turns out the stretching out space weren't for me. It was for furniture. Table and chairs in the stretching out space and me squashed into a corner. Well, alright, not exactly squashed but not as much space as I might have wanted. Then we collected The Cat, put her in the suitcase and off we went.

"Wales, Powys, Mossie. Home"

A whole weekend of being glared at by The Cat. Ah, well. If it's the price of making her happy, I can live with it. This last month, a whole year has turned since the Princess was here. I know that my MBNAD woman was sad when she remembered the last days with HRH so I tried my best to give her lots of ear stroking opportunities. How special to have been loved so well, so long. I've only been with her for a little bit of my life but I know how nice this love thing is.


So back to the weekend. No sooner had we settled in than we had Visitors. Smarten up, Humbug, time to be socialble, I warned. Bah. It's them people who come with Bolshie. I ain't being sociable. She got in the sideboard and got herself ready for a bit of hissing and spitting.

No Bolshie. His people with bags and stuff. Grand, I thought. I like being with them and visitors is always good. Then just as I was deciding who would get the head-on-leg-treatment, the Sire and Dam legged it. Yes. Ran away, leaving their Litter behind. I wondered if the Litter was being re-homed with us, but it seems just for the weekend.

We did lots of my MBNAD woman's favourite things like Brecon, and the place with the View and Outdoor Food, and Llancaiach Fawr and the Red Kite.




Then it was time for them to go and then time for us to turn Here to There again.

Except Here is being turned upside down. Mess. She don't like Mess and to be honest, I'm not keen on this quantity of Mess either. Out in the back garden, digging. Men. Digging holes, Building walls. It will all be wonderful when it's over, she says. All I can say is, it better had be. They're building a spare room out there. Dunno why. We got plenty of space for me and her. It's a Conservatory, apparently. I thought that we had enough jam on the top of the kitchen cupboards. But now it turns out she needs a whole room for the stuff. And I have to supervise. It's hard work for an old wobble.

Then the Little Dark One was off. Missee Lee, all over again. It's all empty and sad without our Litter. We don't need no spare rooms. She says it'll be nice when we have visitors. I don't want Visitors. We can have Visitors There. I want the Litter. And no Jam Rooms. Humph .

They do things differently

Lookin after sheep weren't like that when I did it. Didn't have no quad bikes to herd in my day.



I sat in the back of the car giving a bit of advice. Quiet like.

The Elephant in the Garden

“Wales, Powys, Mossie. Home”

A There Weekend with a visit from the Lady who’s Family. Off we go in the car to Brecon and the Farmer’s Market where they buy bits of broken old glass. Apparently, it’s called re-cycling. More like rubbish to my way of thinking. It’s not as if she don’t know what a bin is for. After all, she spends enough time tidying up and cleaning.

Then we’re off to the Mountain Centre where they have a grand café. We sit outside in the sunshine while they eat. Great place for making new friends and they usually offer me a little something. “Is it ok for him to have …” they normally ask my MBNAD woman. Why don’t they just ask me? I’d let them know pretty quick. So I demolished a couple of spuds with gravy, a bit of scone and a jelly baby. Never had a jelly baby before. Made my teeth bounce a bit. On reflection, think I’d rather have the spuds or scone.

Then we went to a big house where they sell even more vegetables and fruit. Organic. Dunno how you get inorganic fruit and vegetables, meself. Perhaps it has something to do with elephants in the garden.



After lots of gardening , it’s time to return to Here and I have a week of visiting. She’s off with a suitcase, not the little red Going-There-Bag. Humph . But I did get to visit the Man-with-the-Cat and The Cat with the Little Dark One.

I like weekends with my MBNAD woman. When I used to look after sheep, all days looked much the same to me. But she only does Witchy Work from Monday to Friday and then we have a thing called The Weekend which is really just a fancy way of saying Saturday and Sunday. Mind, sometimes she does witchy stuff on the weekend too. That must be pro bonio which translated means for free dog biscuits which seems fair and reasonable to me. She does some tidying stuff admittedly, but mainly it’s about us being together. Here or There or Visiting. Don’t matter, where. Just being together and sometimes being with friends or the Best Thing: being with the Litter.

So Sunday we went Visiting to the Middle of the World to see the Tall One. Pub lunch, canal walk and back to his house for tea. Grand.

More Visiting this week: the Hello-Mister-Woman’s house. With an Oscar dog, rabbits and four kittens and the Hello-Mister-Woman’s girlie. Four kittens. All thought the Mossie tail was a great toy. Ah, well. I didn’t mind really.

Keeping her feet warm

She weren't well. Bit cold. My only explanation.

And I didn't snore. Much.

Quarter Century

Little Dark One, me, The Cat [in a suitcase] and MBNAD woman all off There. One of those Fridays. Grand I thought, although The Cat had Views all the way from the Meat-and-Bread stop. Car was packed up to the lid with lots of stuff but no matter. I like being There and my MBNAD woman is really happy when we're There.

"Wales, Mossie. Powys, Home"

Late on, but we dont mind.

"Night night Mossie. Night night Humbug".

A big treat. The Tall One. All of them together, where I can herd them. Grand.


Turns out the Tall One is having a birthday.

Twenty-Five.

Old.

The Man with the Cat came too for the birthday.

Then they went out for food. Humph Can't see why - there's a whole cupboard full of food. Shouted a bit. Cat told me to shut up.

Humph

They had a special cake for the Tall One. She's good at cake so I always sit and wait expectantly just in case something falls off a plate. Funny thing about people - if food falls off a plate onto the floor, they don't want to eat it even if it's only a little bit gritty. As long as she tells me it's ok to have it, then I don't hang around. Anyway, this special cake ... just when I think she's not really Mad or not a real Witch, she does something very peculiar and I have to revise my opinions.

So they set fire to the cake and said incantations before eating it. What more evidence is needed? A Witch, without doubt. She'll get caught one of these days.

We didn't leave There on Sunday night. Turns out we could stay all week. And the Little Dark One, and the Tall One and The Cat.

They spent a lot of the week trying to stick a broken picture back together. Don't know why they had to buy a broken one.

We met Brucie's people and they went to a park. Then they came back for tea and had more of the Tall One's special cake. The Cat said some very bad words to Brucie. Brucie's woman said that she'd never heard a cat growl before. That ain't growling, that's swearing. Really bad swearing. Father Jack swearing.



Thank Dog, I couldn't fit. But my MBNAD woman could.



Lots of walks with boots and scenery. At the end of the last one, I was so tired that my MBNAD woman had to fetch the car while I waited with the Tall One. He had to carry me to the place where we waited for her. I could have walked but he wanted to be useful.



Time to turn There to Here again.

And summer's lease hath all too short a date.
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm'd;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd;

Pontyfest - Music, Friends, Girlies, Snot and Lies

A There weekend. Off we go at the end of the week, car all packed up ready to go and we went all the way before the light had gone.

"Wales, Mossie, Powys. Home."

Once we'd unpacked, she went off to The Lion. This is not on, she shouldn't be going to pubs without me so I had to have a bit of a shout. By the time she'd got back I was a bit cross so I didn't notice straightway that she wasn't on her own. The Hello-Mister-Woman and her Man. I didn't think she lived in a pub since she was Here when my MBNAD woman had various vines and sad stuff. They're really good at ears since they practise on an Oscar.


They sat up chatting till late then the Hello-Mister-Woman and her Man unpacked their car and went to bed. Can't work out why they're Visitors if they live at the Lion but it's nice anyway since I get a lot of fuss and they're nice Visitors.

"Night night Mossie."

Brecon, Market. She bought some fish and some green slimy stuff which she's going to give to our Visitors for breakfast. Don't seem very kind to me. Visitors is nice. It's bad enough when she cooks sick for breakfast but it don't seem right to give them fried snot.


Pontyfest. Rain, rain, rain. Loud music and dancing and beer and lots of dogs, especially wobbles. Wasn't much struck on the idea of being a soggy wobble but we went into a big bright tent to stay dry. Don't know much about the music but I did like the people. And the grub. I got left over beef casserole, faggots, burger and a bit of sausage. My MBNAD woman said I wouldn't need my dinner after all that lot. Don't you believe it. Plenty of space.

She kept finding people to say hello to. First of all there was one of the Men of Sweyn's Eye and then the Woman-Who-Likes-Cats-Really. Turns out they're staying at Pontyfest in a tent. Now my MBNAD woman likes outdoor food but I've never seen her do outdoor sleeping. Well, maybe a little bit in the garden but we've never been out there all night. She don't half have some strange friends. I just hope she don't get the idea of outdoor sleeping. Now I've got the hang of being an indoor dog, I really don't want to give up my bed




Then there was a Woman of Sweyn's Eye and her Man and Girlie. Nice people. Plenty of fuss. Grand.

Next two Girlies belonging to the Man of Sweyn's Eye and the Woman-Who-Likes-Cats-Really. Cor. Spent a bit of time chatting them up.

Music was alright too I spose.

Had a bit of a problem with a basket.



Please don't laugh too much.


"Night night Mossie."

Sunshine and walking at one of my MBNAD woman's favourite places where she can look at a View. The Visitors liked the View too and didn't seem to hold fried snot breakfast against her. She told them that the snot comes out when Pen-y-Fan erupts. Dreadful. The snot is bad enough but lying about it is even worse.

Catflap cottage and food then the Visitors left. Seemed like a lot of fuss putting things in the car when they were only going as far as the Lion. Turns out I was wrong. They live near Here after all. I felt a right wobble. I wish I had the Princess around to help me out with that kind of thing.

When we have to leave There to come back Here, she always tidies up and makes sure everything is ready for coming back but this time she went off to the place with dead people in the garden. Not for the normal thing but for Music. Not on, I shout after her. I do Music. If I did Pontyfest, can't see why I can't do this Music. Bah

Then she came back at bedtime and off we went and when I woke up we were back Here. Midnight. Witchy

"Night night Mossie."

For Brucie's Woman

Flying Saucers

Since the blackberries have been appearing, my MBNAD woman has started taking a small plastic pot out when we go for a walk. Between the lead, spare poo bags, a ball for fetch games and now the plastic pot, she’s loaded down. Then she appears with a plastic dinner plate as well which I reckoned was for more blackberries.

So off we go for our walk and when we get to the field where we play the fetch the ball game, she threw the dinner plate. I stood and looked at her, encouraging like, waiting for her to work out that she had thrown a dinner plate. It pains me to say this, but my early verdict that she’s MAD hasn’t changed.

She smiled at me and said “Go on, Mossie, go and fetch it”. I stood there patiently hoping that she would work out that it was a dinner plate. Nothing. So she trotted across the field and picked it up. At last, I thought, she’s got the idea and has realised that she’s thrown the wrong thing. Not a bit of it. Smiled at me again and then threw the plate again. Good Dog, I thought, she’s lost it totally. Once we've got through the dinner service we’ll be out here chucking saucepans and casserole dishes.

Off we go again. Same performance – she ran off to the plate, smiled and pointed. Yes, it’s a dinner plate, I nod encouragingly. How long is this nonsense going to go on? The only thing I could think of was to humour her. So I picked it up in the hope that she’d give it a rest.

Not as easy as you might think, picking up dinner plates. Tried getting my nose under it but the best thing was flicking it with my paw and then catching it in my teeth. She was so pleased at my crockery catching so we did it again. And again. And again.

Then I bit a hole in it but she weren’t cross. Evidently, this dinner plate is just for me.




Like I said mad.

Doodles, Devon and Dinkydots

She’s got this bright red bag that we take away when we go There. I know to watch out for the signs of putting stuff in the bag. Friday morning we went out for my Just-Before-She-Abandons-Me walk but we weren’t in the usual hurry. She dawdled and took a plastic box out. While I found dock leaves and thistles to pee on, she started poking at some sharp twigs with some black berries, picking the best ones to put in the plastic box. Evidently best meant they didn’t have no passengers. I’d have thought the passengers were the best bit. Anyway, it was a pleasant surprise when she didn’t go to Work and was messing about with the bag and putting lots of stuff in her shopping basket too. Jam, biscuits, bottles, sausages. Hmmm sausages. I thought.

When we go There or Cambridge or The Middle of the World, I get myself settled down on the back seat for a good sleep since long drives are very tiring. She was getting out of the car when I woke up,and saying she wouldn’t be long so I expected this to be the Meat-and-Bread stop. She came back with lots of warm, nutty smelling bread and some other things that I couldn’t quite place. Meat wrapped up in pastry. I had rather hoped to investigate them properly but she put them in the back bit of the car where I can’t reach.

Expecting it to be the Throw-Money-at-it-Bridge next, I was a bit shocked to find that we had parked outside a Strange House. Well, strange to me. C’mon, Mossie, out you get and be sociable. So I got out expecting to be on Best Boy Behaviour when this young fluffy effort shot past, did a handbrake turn and came back all breathless. Hello darling, she said, I’m Twiglet. Have you come to see my new baby brothers and sisters? Then she nudged me and asked if I wanted to play. While I was trying to work out what sort of a dog she was, a wobble showed up. Nice chap, bit serious. Afternoon, I’m Jack. Belong here, now. Tess, the old lady, huffed up gave me a long hard stare and asked what had happened to the Princess. When I mentioned that she’d Gone, Tess turned away and puffed a bit more. Happens to us all, eventually, she said. Then she sneezed and we all jumped back to avoid being covered in snot. While I was trying to work out if I had any quick post-snot grooming to do, a Very Gracious Lady came up behind me and told me she was so pleased to welcome me to her home and how I should make myself comfortable and, when ready, could come in to see the Babies as long as I didn’t get too near. That’s my Mama said Twiglet. Isn’t she beautiful? Scrumpy. Cor. She is too. I wondered where the Sire was but evidently he don’t live there. Time was … but all I can do is remember now. And dream.

So after I’d been polite and peed on a bit of the garden, I went in and saw the Babies. Eight. No wonder Scrumpy gets extra meals.



Goodbye Twelve-Dog-House, hello Devon. Red-and-Gold Woman and Tall Man’s house by the river. Cat with a bit of an accent and a deal of language. I try explaining that 1) I like cats since I’m a farm dog and 2) I’ve been cussed at by a professional. Don’t make no difference. MBNAD woman brings in my blanket and I sit down in the kitchen all homely.

One of Scrumpy's babies is going to live with Red-and-Gold Woman and Tall Man so I'm just introducing the Cat to some canine ways. Don't seem keen.




Just before dinner, we go out for a walk. I remember the Princess telling me that they used to say that when she died she’d go to Devon. Looked pretty Devonly to me. She also told me that I had to go to visit Wilf. Out the gate, turn right and keep on till you get to the Basket Factory. Off we went, and at the top of the driveway was a slightly wuffity spaniel, Wilf. Gave him the news about HRH and then we had a short commiseration about castration. He’s just been done and keeps hoping they’ll grow back. I explain to him that bollocks ain’t like toenails.

Back to the Red-and-Gold Woman and Tall Man’s house. After dinner I thought we might go Here or There. But apparently, we’re Visitors. There’s another Lady staying too who makes a fuss of me. I like being a Visitor. Fuss, new places to own and a cat dinner to steal. Grand. Just grand.

In the morning we went to the next village to collect a Girlie. It’s a Girlie that belongs with Red-and-Gold Woman and Tall Man. I gave her a nice bit of blarney and in return she gave me lots of hugs. More people, related to Red-and-Gold Woman. They had crisps. Not bad this Visiting.




Time to go back to Here. Long drive, rain. But when we got back, the Little Dark One was there, waiting for us. Lovely, I thought, she’s come with a case, so she’ll be with me all week.

Lies, all lies. How could she? When MBNAD woman took me out for my Just-Before-She-Abandons-Me walk, I thought, great, I’ll have the Little Dark One here all day. Not a bit of it. How could she? They went to Work together. I’m not happy. Bitch., I grump.

Yes, alright, I do get to walk with both of them in the evening, and MBNAD woman takes me out first thing and my DB is back. On the upside, they come home together and we go out walking in the evening. Me and the Little One and my MBNAD woman.
But, still. Bitch.

My MBNAD woman really likes outside food. As we sat and watched the light go, two little shadows appeared in the garden.




Little dinkydots from next door. Under the fence. Hello Mossie. Hello Dinkydots.

World Enough and Time

Tall One came back for a couple of days and they went to see Flying Machines. I’m not sure I like the idea of Flying Machines. Sounds too witchy for me. One of these days they’ll catch her and then she’ll be in trouble. But I had a great day. Spent all day with the Little Dark One. She takes me out to play with a special toy that’s halfway between a ragger and a ball and throws it over and over again. They say that I get over-excited with “bonkers eyes”. True, when the game’s over, I’m ready for a couple of hours rest. Not exactly asleep. Just checking for light leaks.

She don’t half do a nice line in Woo Hoo skirts. When I first came she used to do Dog-Walkers and Sensible-Work. Since her legs have mended she’s been bringing out a collection of Woo Hoo skirts to go with the Legs and Shoes. Though I’d rather she wore Dog-Walkers, I’m happy if she wears the other stuff as long as I get to go with her.

My DB’s gone on holidays so I get to spend every day with the Little Dark One at the moment. She’s doing a lot of tidying which means that she puts lots of papers in heaps and The Cat rests in the middle of them. I supervise.

Then it’s another weekend and off we go. Car full of stuff with the Little Dark One, me and our MBNAD woman. Usual stuff : stopping halfway, meat and bread, then Throw-Money-at-it-Bridge.

“Wales, Powys, Mossie. Home”

Don’t matter how late it is when we get there, she always takes me for a walk round the village. I like that since I’m a bit stiff after the long drive and I get chance to own everything as we go. When we went down the hill towards the Tanners, there were people all over the road. Having a party. The Lady who owns the Tanners is retiring. Don’t think that anyone’s bitten her nose but I think that she must get very tired. I hope that I’ll be allowed in when new people come there.

In the morning, there’s a loud buzzing and clattering outside so we go out to look at it. Well, I can tell you that it wasn’t an insect or a red kite. It was one of them Flying Machine things. Perhaps it followed her and hunted her down. I wondered if she’d do some magic but she just watched. Looked dangerous to me.



Long sunshiny days. Lots of gardening for my MBNAD woman and the Little Dark One does cooking. Grand. I can sit in the sun and bake a bit, then go inside to keep the Little Dark One company when she’s cooking. You never know when something might hit the floor. Out in the sunshine, they put some creamy stuff on my nose and bald bum. To stop me burning. Metrosexual Mossie, they say. Not sure I like the sound of that, so I try licking it off as soon as they look away.

Meeouw. Little tiny creature with only one eye. Small cat. I stand up to show it who’s in charge but it don’t take notice of me. I don't see too good these days but at least I've still got both my peepers, even if I've lost some other bits that seemed pretty important to me.



It climbs onto the top of the coal bunker where it stretches out, wriggles a bit and slides down.




Cat on a hot tin roof.

They sit in the sunshine debating whether not to turn There to Here again. One of these days she'll make the sun stand still.

"Night night Mossie".

Edible Mossie

So I tried to remember all the Wise Things that the Princess taught me:

1) You’re never to old to frolic
2) Frosty days are good for wriggling in the garden
3) Flowerpot water is best
4) No matter how much they hiss, cats really do want to be friends
5) Always claim innocence, regardless of evidence
6) They can't leave you behind if you're sitting in the suitcase
7) A good nap is one of life’s undervalued pleasures
8) Always be willing to wait for a friend
9) You can go a long way with a smile
10) Always check if fishermen have biscuits. Settle for maggots if they don't
11) Postmen expect to be woofed at. Don't let them down.
12) A bed is more comfortable once it’s been thoroughly kicked
13) Being clean just creates an opportunity to get mucky again
14) However, dark the world may seem, bad times will end, even bath time
15) Kitten food is for everyone
16) Never turn your back on a bicycle
17) Be at home, wherever you find yourself
18) Remember, she loves us, always

But she didn’t offer any advice on grass seeds. They don’t half make you itch and these were itchy sharp. So I did the best I could and chewed a bit of my hair to get them away from the skin. Then once I’d done that, I pulled that bit of hair out. Then the bit next to it. No advice on when you’ve got a bald bum, either.

The Little Dark One is around a lot and between them they kept trying to stop me from nibbling. But the relief was exquisite. So the MBNAD woman started to wash my chewed bit with salty water.

We went to the vet’s place since the salty water had just me a bit tastier. MBNAD woman said that she’s put vinegar or pepper on me next. Really. Nice Girly Vet. She did suggest that I was a bit well covered. My story about it being just my winter coat was blown since there isn’t nearly so much winter coat left. Anyway, itchy bits all sorted and so I gave the Nice Girly Vet a particularly appealing gaze and nudgy nosed her. She gave me a treat. Well actually, three treats. I needed to stock up just in case they start talking diets and I don’t get much to eat in future.

Second to the right and straight on till morning

The day after the Border Collie party, they all came for a walk: Man with the Cat, Tall One, Little Dark One and MBNAD woman. And the Princess, waiting at the bottom of the stairs, on her favourite stair. Eager and ready.

MBNAD woman got a special box from a high cupboard. She's got cupboards where she keeps shoes and clothes and some high ones where she keeps hats and bags. And Princesses .... no corrects HRH, just one, Me.

They were all really quiet and we went for a walk by the pond. We got to the bridge where I first saw HRH on the day that I arrived. Standing in the middle of the bridge, she said, It's all up to you now, Colliewobble. You've got to look after them, especially our MBNAD woman. I was going to leave sooner but couldn't go when you needed me to help look after her. But now, you're brave and she's well again.

I'm not really brave, I wanted to say. And how do I know that she's properly well again? Brave enough and well enough. Both of you, comes one last Royal command.

And with a shimmer of dust in the sunlight, I see a little busy little white flash. A shade of love and joy and fun. Young again.

From the bridge to the stream.
From the stream to the river.
From the river to the sea.
From the sea to the sky.

"Night night Mossie"

Praesento Vobis Hanc Mulierem

I like weekends normally. She don't go to work, makes me toast for breakfast and we have long walks with big hugs. It's even better if there are visitors or we go There.
First of all, it went quite well since we had to collect the Tall One from the place with the car on rails. He spent ages fussing over me. And me, snuffles the Princess. My ears, she said, longingly. After dinner, they chatted for ages and laughed and then my MBNAD woman said they needed to go to bed because we'd have to be up early.

"Night night Mossie, night night Bella"

By "we" she didn't mean me. Lovely long walk, round the pond. Oh yes, very nice just before abandoning me. The Princess says there are some things that you can't even do if you're Royal. That's a first for her. She's always claimed she could do anything. To be reasonable, she said, I can't DO most things these days, but I can WATCH. Well, we both watched while the Tall One got dressed in something that looked very like work clothes. Very smart, he looked said the Princess. Then my MBNAD woman got dressed in something pretty woo hoo. All floaty and soft and Definitely-not-for-Dog-Walking shoes. This looks pretty bad. They're off somewhere and I'm not going to be allowed to come along if they're in smart gear. Humph

They went to Cambridge. It's just not fair. She don't dress up in woo hoo gear when we go there. She goes in Dog-Walkers and we meet the Little Dark One and we have walks that end with cheesy chips in pubs. I moan a bit and hang my head over the side of my bed just so they know I'm not happy.

But I went to watch, said HRH, so I can tell you what happened next. When they got there the Man with the Cat was there too. First of all they filled the cars up with the Little Dark One's stuff. Then the next bit was really strange. The Little Dark One got dressed up as a border collie. It was a fancy dress party. Oh, I did so used to like parties. There were lots of other people dressed up in collie costumes with some dressed as other dogs like poodles, and red setters with one chap dressed up like a big old bassett hound. And they stood around in the garden. all dressed up eating strawberries. Perhaps they didn't let you go because they would have confused you with all the pretend collies. Well, after the strawberry eating, all the ones in fancy dress, lined up and went off to a pretend dog show. They walked all through the streets to a special building where the dog show was held. The Man with the Cat, The Tall One and our MBNAD woman all watched. MBNAD woman got wet eyes again. Then they came back and drank more sparkly stuff. And that was it, says the Princess. Placet.



My day wasn't all bad, I spose. My DB came and we went for a ball throwing walk. Just me and her. Just like a date. Then she came back later and gave me my tea. Not all bad at all. She gave me a whole tin for dinner. MBNAD woman only does half a tin with crunchy food. Not all bad. Placet.

"Night night Mossie, night night Bella"

Officially Very Clever

Turns out that the Little Dark One is as good at Noggin the Nog, Merlin the Magician and Swearing in Old Cat as I was at Sheepdog Studies. The Tall One is also officially Very Clever at Hot Pixie, Stargazy and Surely you Must be Joking.



My MBNAD woman and the Man with the Cat drink some sparkly pink stuff and MBNAD woman gets wet eyes. But not sad wet.

Of course, we royals didn't normally go to university in my day, sniffs HRH. Think she's a bit left out so I tell her that, if they were handing out degrees in Trollopy Princess Studies, she'd get a First too.

"Night night Mossie, night night Bella"

Legs, Lies and Pink Shoes

She lied to me. Not like the Liar-Coward lied but even so I was pretty shocked. Right Leg all better. She was hopping and dancing and running. It was all wonderful. I sent bouquets to everyone. Then she went and did it all over again to the Other Leg. Off she went and came back with the leg all bandaged up and wrapped up in one of those nasty tight leg wrappers. And not the sort you put out for a Woo Hoo Christmas.

Well, the only consolation is that she ain't got any more legs.

She had to lie down a lot again and had wet nose and wet eyes. I tried really hard to look after her but I'm glad that the Tall One came to look after her again. At least we sat in the garden and had big hugs.



"Night night Mossie, night night Bella"

The Tall One has had an operation too. Dunno what he had done but all the long long hair has gone. He don't seem to need any bandages or lying down.

They went to a special party while the Tall One was here. The Hello Mister Woman doesn't just have the Girlie, she's got a Michael too. And Michael's got a Ziggy. And they had a Michael and Ziggy Party. It's called a Wedding, says the Princess. Lovely dresses. Just like in Hello magazine, according to HRH.

"Night night Mossie, night night Bella"

The Tall One went away to carry on looking for Hot Pixies and then Little Dark One came to look after her. She's been doing tests. Think it's a bit like sheep dog trials. She has to round up Noggin the Nogs and Merlins and write about them sometimes in Old Cat. The Royal One don't understand it either.

"Night night Mossie, night night Bella"

Eventually, the leg got a bit better and the Little Dark One went away and we went There. She did lots of gardening in the sunshine. Quite restful this gardening stuff. When she goes to the place with dead people in the garden, I normally stand in the room with two catflaps and shout till she gets back. But, I've found that if I go upstairs to her sleeping room, I can watch for her out of the window. And shout so that she knows I'm waiting for her to come back.



"Night night Mossie, night night Bella"

Leg wrappers all gone at last and she promises that she won't ever do it again.

Since it's now All Offically Over, she's been in the clothes-and-shoe-cupboard a lot and we've had a succession of totally outrageous shoes.



We've had a lot of Right Royal nonsense about Jimmy Chews, Man-o-lows and Lamb Boots. Evidently, once you're not quite here any more, you don't mind when she puts on footwear that I can only describe as officially Not for Dog Walking. Hmmm, says the Princess, you just don't get the point do you. You see, I keep up with these things in all the right kind of magazines. Right kind of magazine indeed. Farmer's Weekly for Trollops more like.

All I can say is, they're Not for Dog Walking.

Bouquets from Mossie

Bouquets for looking after his MBNAD woman when she had the Various Vines and Fleas and while the Sewage flowed Under the Bridge

Lots of people have looked after her but these are the Ones who Deserve a Special Mention:

To the Lady who Lives Nextdoor with the Cat with No Teeth : for the Company

To Tinker Dog's Family : for the Love and Friendship of half a lifetime

To The Man with the Cat : for all the Listening Meals

To the Cat : for the Curses

To the Men of Sweyn's Eye and their Women : for the Laughter and Walking

To the Unseen Jo Lady : for Guarding her when I Can't

To the Hello Mister Woman : for the Long Night of Hugs

To the Lady from the Family : for the Love of Quilting

To the Hello Mister Woman's Girlie : for the Driving

To Bruce's Woman : for the Drowned Rat with the Opaque Eyes

To HMGD : for the Tiger who Came to Tea

To Gulfoss : for Telling her what she Already Knew

To the Cor Lummee Girlie : for the Fun and Signature Dish

To the Red-and-Gold Woman : for the Pearl and the Junk

To the Little Dark One : for the Love, Smiles, Hugs, Pignick and the Chuck Fest

To the Tall One : for the Love, Smiles, Hugs, Cooking and the Slow Burn Incendiary Blanket

To the Princess : for Staying

Birdwatching

Cor-Lummee-Girlie and Red-and-Gold Woman gone away. But not before Red-and-Gold Woman spotted the Electric Eagle Owl.


Took them to the car-on-rails stopping place. Mind you they took the peeing down rain away with them too. So she's been busy with turning junk into furniture. Dunno why she didn't just buy furniture in the first place. HRH makes a sharp remark about MBNAD woman and her need to collect junk but I remind her to keep her opinons to herself. Anyway, this turns out to be nice dependable junk.





"Night night Mossie. Night night Bella"

Went off for treatment too. But no fleas or leg holes. The other sort of treatment. The sort where she came back with sparkly, tarty toes.

We went to Cultural Mud too. I wasn't supposed to go but I legged it out of the door and sat by the car so she gave in. Mind, I only went to the Mud bit. Not allowed in to the Culture. Didn't mind really since I can sleep in the car and she can have Culture if she likes.

"Night night Mossie. Night night Bella"
Family lady came to visit and we spent the day at the market, seeing the kite and visiting the junk shop. Again.



Then it's gardening. Quite hard work this gardening stuff.




Small, baby in the garden. Fluffy and not even slightly electric. Guarded by a dozy Mossie.



"Night night Mossie. Night night Bella"