In sickness ...

MBNAD woman was ill. Don’t see it myself. Looked more like lying in bed, to me. I have only been ill once ever and that was when I lost my, ahem, bits. How could she have been ill? Bitches don’t have bits.

First thing in the morning on work days, a little wall-string-talking-box wakes her shouting “Good morning and welcome to prayer for the day”. She normally shouts something back at it in cat, hits a switch to shut it up, gets out of bed and into dog walkers and off we go. She usually says something like "Eeewuuugh, morning, Mossie". That morning she lay back and mumbled that she was praying that the day would go away. We went out for our early morning walk and she was really slow and ploddy. She’s not that old; younger than me in dog years. Always been good at counting, never used to lose a sheep ‘cos of not counting proper. Not sure about the witch to human years equation.

When we got back, I had my breakfast and settled down for my sleep waiting for her to go but she didn’t go out. Just got back into her bed and lay there. Moaning. So I stood by the side of the bed and resting my chin next to her sending her loving looks. I’d have got up there to hug her, said the voice. It’s nice up there, warm and snugly and you can make it smell wonderful and anyway, you’re so fat she wouldn’t have been able to throw you off. Fat? Me fat? It’s just my winter coat.

Ill only lasted one day but I wouldn’t have minded if it had gone on a bit.

We had a Here weekend with lots of sunshine and walks. When we went out in the car she muttered about getting a harness out of the box of old-white-dog things. Harnesses are for horses. No, this is for you, said the voice. When it’s warm, she’ll take the top of the car down and you can enjoy the wind and the sunshine. But you need a harness to make sure you don’t blow away in the wind. As if a fat old thing like you could blow away… This is so funny. She'll have to adjust the straps to go round you. I’ll have to tell The Cat. Blown away.

Very funny. I’m not fat. It’s just my winter coat.

Alright, the harness is to keep you safely in the car. She has one too and always wears it. Spose, so. Not sure I’m keen on the idea of “enjoying the wind and the sunshine”. It’s great, says the voice, I always felt just like Grace Kelly with my ears blowing in the wind. Who’s Grace Kelly? I ask. Just another princess, says the voice. I bet she didn’t have ears like that.